A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a T- square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” Gonzales said. “They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents and different angles in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x ‘ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’. They belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say: ‘There are three sides to every triangle.'”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

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